Friday, August 3, 2012

Day #12

I am a legal adult.  Even before this, I was able to form my own thoughts.  I am an adult currently living in my parent's house.  At least for another month.  Why is it that I can't post something on the internet without my mother commenting on my activity?

Daniel Radcliffe is an atheist.  I am not phased.  She sees that I like the really well-done photo that just happens to say,
I am an atheist, but I'm very relaxed about it.  I don't preach my atheism, but I have a huge respect for people like Richard Dawkins who do.  Anything he does on television, I will watch.
 There was a flurry of commenters saying how disappointed they were that Daniel Radcliffe had decided that he wouldn't accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

I'm not angry that those people were attacking Daniel Radcliffe.  I'm angry that suddenly this person was completely different than they thought him to be.  All because they knew his religious status.

I am agnostic.  There may or may not be a higher power.  I don't know.  I don't have any thoughts on the matter.  I can't give you names or prophecies.  Most people don't know this about me unless they ask or unless I feel that it's best to tell them.

A similar situation happened with me.  I was reading, as I usually am, when I came across a word I had never seen before: 'Agnostic.'  I knew it related to religion, but that's as far as my knowledge went.  I decided to look it up:
1.      a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause,as God, and the       essential nature of things are unknown andunknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience. disbeliever, nonbeliever, unbeliever;doubter, skeptic, secularist, empiricist; heathen, heretic,infidel, pagan.
2.      a person who denies or doubts the possibility of ultimate knowledge in some area of study.
3.      a person who holds neither of two opposing positions on topic: Socrates was an agnostic on the subject of immortality.
 I was very pleased with myself.  I knew what I felt before I had found this definition, but sitting there in front of the computer screen, I now had I word for what I believed just as most other people in the world do.  I was excited.  I had had conversations about my religious views with my boyfriend, who is a very strong Christian.  I am proud to say that I have never tried to sway his views, though he has tried to sway mine.  Being my boyfriend, I thought that he would be extremely pleased that I had discovered something about myself.  Unfortunately, he didn't take too kindly to this discovery of mine.  I was happy and this was earth-shattering for him.  He was a devout Christian who was dating a girl who believed the opposite of what he believed.  He essentially told me that I hadn't made the right choice and I still resent him for that.

One night, years later, I decided to ask him if he thought I was going to hell.  To which he responded,
Yes.
Another friend of mine thought that I was Christian because of the way I acted towards other people.  I am pleasant to other people, I am accepting, understanding, and usually I can see from other points of view, though sometimes they need to explain their views to me, which I am open to listening to.  Because of my behavior, he thought I was Christian.  Because of my behavior, I thought I was a decent human being.

One afternoon at the mall, I made the mistake of being nice and continuing a conversation with these two ladies who had complimented my sister's friend's shoes.  Suddenly, before I had realized it, my faith (or lack thereof) was being questioned.  They asked if they could pray for me.  I told them,
If you really want to...
Little did I know they meant they wanted to pray with me now.

I didn't want to pray with them.  I don't put much stock in prayer.  I believe that in order for good things to happen, we need to do something instead of just hoping for it to happen.  In my case, there wasn't much for them to do.

I don't how to act around prayer.  When everyone else has bowed their heads an folded their hands, I stare awkwardly around the circle.  I'm forced to be apart of this ceremony, physically.  But I don't participate like I should.  It makes me a little uncomfortable and I don't know what to do.

I think my boyfriend prays for my soul.  I don't want him to.  He doesn't care.  Even though I asked him not to.  I feel like I'm not being respected because of this.  I don't try to sway him.  Why does he and other people like those ladies at the mall feel that they can?


To the ladies at the mall, I'm sure that I seemed like a perfectly decent person to them while we were talking about things not relating to religion at all.

Suddenly they find out I'm not religious.

All hell breaks loose and suddenly, I'm the bad guy.

I don't understand how this works.  I try and treat people like any decent human being should, I don't make a mess of things on purpose, I'm a hard worker, among other things.  Am I suddenly not as good as my Christian counterpart with the same qualities?  Why does that make any sense?

I am an agnostic who will not let go of what I do or don't believe.  But now I feel like I'm doing something wrong and that I'm guilty because of what I believe.

When my mother commented on my Facebook activity regarding the picture of Daniel Radcliffe and the comment that I wrote, it felt like she was scolding me and that I was in trouble.
You were just talking about his freedom of speech, right?
I don't think she remembers.

I was talking about his freedom of speech, but also the ridiculousness surrounding the discussion, which I talked about already.  I didn't bring up my own religious views when I told her this (it's on my profile.  If she has a problem with it, we can talk about it.  But I really don't think that it's any of her business.  She is not a failure of a parent just because I don't believe in the same thing that she does.  She taught me why she believes what she believes, but I don't accept her views as my own.  I don't think that there's anything wrong with that.

My religious status is nothing to be ashamed of.  I don't want it questioned.  I don't want other people to change it unless I allow them.  I don't want anyone to make me feel like I'm a failure as a person for being an agnostic when I can do the same things that they can without being religious.

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